Date: April 9th 2006

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER

VOL. II, Issue 3 March, 2005

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner ­ What’ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

Hello and welcome to our newsletter! We know how losing a spouse can turn your whole world upside down. It can also make concentrating on anything, even an online newsletter really difficult. Just as we’ve done with our bereavement book, Lost My Partner ­ What’ll I Do?, we specially designed this newsletter to make getting valuable professional advice “user-friendly”. Each month we offer comfort, reassurance and practical strategies as well as useful tips from our readers.

We want to make this newsletter on ongoing source of support you can turn to any time, so please let us know how we can make it more relevant for you. We welcome any suggestions or ideas that you’d like to share with us.

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

(This is the first of a two part series about coping with the impact of your spouse’s death on your relationship with his or her adult children.)

YOUR LATE SPOUSE’S ADULT CHILDREN

PART I : Can These Relationships Survive?

You’ve just lost your spouse. Now you may face more losses. If your spouse had adult children and grandchildren, can you be certain those relationships won’t either slip away or be destroyed by conflict?

To get a better handle on things, try to step back and consider the following:

1. Your stepchildren are grieving too. Their reactions will reflect their own relationships with their deceased parent. If there was conflict, there may be hidden guilt or remorse behind how they act.
2. Your connection with your stepchildren depends on how long you have been in their lives. Was there some initial tension around the circumstances of your marriage?
3. Your relationship with your spouse’s ex. After losing one parent, even adult children tend to cling to a surviving parent. Remember, however, that what appears to be a shift in loyalties may just be a temporary reaction to the loss.
4. Consider your connection prior to the death. Were you close to your stepchildren? What stresses did the circumstances prior to the death (prolonged illness, a sudden accident), put on things?

Then try this:

1. Give everyone a psychological “time-out” from making any decisions. Postpone any discussions about who gets what for a few months and tell the family, “I’m just not ready to focus on such important questions yet”.
2. Look to other family members and friends for your emotional support, and don’t expect your spouse’s children be there to lean on right away.
3. Don’t put your stepchildren in the middle of unfinished business you have with your spouse or his or her ex. Vent your anger at the appropriate target, even if it means talking to a photo of your spouse.
4. After a few months (trust your instincts about the timing), suggest a get-together. Assure your stepchildren that they remain important to you and you’d like to work out ways to maintain your connection.

Keep in mind that if your prior relationship was close, your stepchildren will be anxious not to lose it . A strong foundation can help any relationship weather some temporary storms.

Next month: Part II FRIENDS OR FOES; Handling Conflicts With Your Stepchildren

YOUR QUESTIONS

"My nephew recently came by and started looking through my husband’s things. I gave this young man my husband’s fishing gear and several other things I don’t feel very attached to. After he left though, I discovered my husband’s watch and silver money clip were missing. I’m really upset about this and feel so betrayed. I’m not sure how to handle this, though. We don’t have much family left and I’m afraid I’ll drive my nephew away for good if I say anything." Doreen G.

It sounds like you’ve got a rotten limb on your family tree. Phone your nephew and tell him that after his visit, you noticed some items were missing. Tell him that if he did take them you understand that he may have wanted to have some keepsakes for sentimental reasons (giving him the benefit of the doubt), but that he should have asked permission, because you aren’t ready to part with them. Say that you want these things returned immediately. If he doesn’t do so, he’ll no longer be welcome in your home. You might also say you’ll consider filing charges with the police. Time to prune that family tree.

GETTING THROUGH THE DAYS; Our Readers’ Tips

"My husband passed away in September. He always did our taxes, so this year, I started to panic, because dealing with any paperwork is overwhelming right now. My son-in-law suggested I talk to his accountant, who was very reassuring. I found out that I can ask for an extension from I.R.S. That really takes the pressure off!" Alice W.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

If you’re interested in obtaining a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner ­ What’ll I Do?, telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814 or visit our website: www.lostmypartner.com

(Copyright 2005 by Laurie J. Spector, M.S.W. and Ruth Spector Webster, M.S.W. All rights and all media reserved.)