Date: April 9th 2006

THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER

VOL. II, Issue 7 September, 2005

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner ­ What’ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

Hello and welcome to our newsletter! We know how losing a spouse can turn your whole world upside down. It can also make concentrating on anything, even an online newsletter really difficult. Just as we’ve done with our bereavement book, Lost My Partner ­ What’ll I Do?, we specially designed this newsletter to make getting valuable professional advice “user-friendly”. Each month we offer comfort, reassurance and practical strategies as well as useful tips from our readers.

We want to make this newsletter on ongoing source of support you can turn to any time, so please let us know how we can make it more relevant for you.

We welcome any suggestions or ideas that you’d like to share with us.

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

(This is Part One of a two part series about handling guilty feelings about expressing anger toward your spouse during their final illness.)

LIVING WITH HAVING LOST YOUR TEMPER

Defuse Guilt About Your Angry Reactions Toward Your Dying Spouse

Part I: What Else Was Going On At the Time?

Many of us feel guilty about having expressed anger toward our spouse during his or her final illness. The memory of having lashed out at a dying loved one is especially painful and can haunt us long after they are gone. How do we let ourselves off the hook and heal this emotional pain?

Start by taking a step back.

Memory often has blinders on. Guilt can cause us to focus on a very limited view of circumstances. It can also make it difficult to put ourselves back into that particular time and place and recognize all the stresses that were creating our angry reaction. Try answering the following:

1. How long did it take before you knew the diagnosis and what stresses were you under before it was reached and after it was reached? Try to recall roughly how much time and effort went into medical appointments, hospital stays, researching the disease online and/or at the library and keeping others informed and updated.

2. Prior to your spouse’s illness, how many hours a day did it typically take you to perform your normal work and tasks?

3. How much sleep did you actually average every 24 hours (remember interrupted sleep and quick naps) while you were caring for your spouse during this period?

4. How did the stress affect your appetite at this time?

5. What other outside stresses were going on (reactions of family and friends, financial worries, etc.)?

Did your answers surprise you? Reminding yourself of just how difficult those circumstances really were can help you realize that you did the best you could at that time.

In Part II, we’ll discuss how the experience of dying impacts a couple’s relationship from each partner’s perspective.

YOUR QUESTIONS

"I recently joined a bereavement group. Last time, the group leader started asking us to talk about our childhoods. I had a very unhappy one and wasn’t comfortable getting into such personal matters, especially in front of other people I barely know. I don’t see what talking about my childhood has to do with my grief about my wife. I’m thinking about dropping out of this group. What should I do?" Louis W.

You always have the right in any group to reveal as much or as little as you choose. Arrange to speak to the group leader and tell him or her your concern. Any qualified bereavement group facilitator will understand and appreciate the feedback If not, speak to that person’s supervisor or the head of the organization that offers the group about the problem.

GETTING THROUGH THE DAYS; Our Readers’ Tips

"I try to leave something more personal than flowers whenever I visit my husband’s grave. Because he loved to play tennis, I leave a tennis ball as a special remembrance between us. It always makes me feel closer to him." Sarah B.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters.

Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.If you’re interested in obtaining a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner ­ What’ll I Do?, telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814 or visit our website: www.lostmypartner.com

(Copyright 2005 by Laurie J. Spector, M.S.W. and Ruth Spector Webster, M.S.W. All rights and all media reserved.)