THE LOST MY PARTNER NEWSLETTER

 

Vol. IV,  Issue 9   November, 2007

 

 

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner ­ What’ll I Do?; A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

 

 

Hello and welcome to our newsletter! Just as we’ve done with our bereavement book, Lost My Partner ­— What’ll I Do?, we specially designed this newsletter to make getting valuable professional advice “user-friendly”. Each month we offer comfort, reassurance and practical strategies as well as useful tips from our readers.

 

We welcome any suggestions or ideas that you’d like to share with us.

 

Let us hear from you at: contact@lostmypartner.com

 

Thanks for joining us.

 

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

 

 

 

MONTHLY FEATURE

 

ENCOUNTERS OF THE AWKWARD KIND;

When Others Haven’t Heard About Your Spouse’s Death

 

Whether it’s a phone call asking for your spouse or bumping into an acquaintance in the market or at a social gathering, encountering someone who hasn’t heard about your loss can be especially difficult.

 

Such situations can cause you to feel:

 

• Discomfort as you struggle with how to reply.

 

• Possible pain at hearing your spouse’s name brought up.

 

• Resentment as you feel compelled to take care of the other person’s reactions of shock and embarrassment.

 

 

Here’s some ways to respond to unexpected queries about your spouse:

       

Ø      Calls From Friends (“So, how is [your spouse’s name]?”)

With a friend who hasn’t heard about the death, try replying: “I’m sorry to have to tell you this but he/she died (give approximate date).”

 

Ø      Unsolicited Business Calls (“May I speak to [your spouse’s name]?”)        If you don’t recognize the caller, screen the call by first asking him/her to identify themselves. Putting the caller off with “He/she isn’t here right now.” may only trigger a return call. Instead try: “Unfortunately, he/she is deceased.”

 

Ø      Face-to-face Encounters (“So, how is your wife/husband?”) Keep it simple. One response might be: “This has really caught us both off guard. Briefly, here’s what happened…”

       

If you’d rather avoid going into details, you might say: “I can’t really talk about it right now. I’ll be in touch when I’m up to it.”

 

Remind yourself that with time, you’ll gain skill at handling these inevitable situations.

 

 

YOUR QUESTIONS

 

“It’ll be my first Thanksgiving since my husband’s death My son’s fiancé, who is from another country, has invited me to her family’s Thanksgiving dinner. I’ll be uncomfortable without my husband there anyway, but the idea of everything being different (with different foods and customs), makes me very uneasy. I don’t want to insult my future daughter-in-law and her family (not to mention my son), by turning down their invitation, but I’m afraid I’ll feel like more of an outsider than I usually do now that my husband is gone. How should I handle this?”       Dorothy D.

 

 

After losing your spouse, it’s natural to wish things could remain the way they’ve always been. Try to look on this dinner as an opportunity to form closer ties to your future daughter-in-law and her family. Questions you may have about the cuisine can help you learn more about their culture. Consider bringing a favorite holiday dish, so you have something familiar on the table. This can also prompt you and your son to share recollections of your husband at past celebrations. Relating family stories is a great way to “give him a place” at these occasions as well.

 

 

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others

in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

 

Obtain a copy/copies of the book, Lost My Partner ­- What’ll I Do?  Purchase online at www.lostmypartner.com or telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

 

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

 

 

(Copyright © 2007 by Laurie J. Spector, M.S.W. and Ruth Spector Webster, M.S.W. All rights and all media reserved.)