March, 2010______________________________________________                       McCormick Press

VOL. VII, Issue 3                                                                        www.lostmypartnerblog.com

                                                        www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter  

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner –What’ll I Do?  A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

To Join Or Not to Join a Support Group

A widowed support group can be a wonderful place to meet others who are in the same boat and experiencing feelings similar to yours. Through listening to others you can feel less alone. A support group is also a safe place to talk about those things that would feel like a burden if shared with family or friends.

You may, however, be hesitant to join a group.  Like many people, you may be wondering:

1)    “How can I listen to other people’s problems when I have enough of my own?”

2)    “I’m not sure I can talk about such personal feelings in front of strangers.”

3)    “Won’t everyone be crying all the time?”

4)    “What if I break down and start crying in front of everyone?”

Keep in mind the following:

1)    After hearing others share their experiences, you’ll probably become more comfortable talking about your own.

2)    Any well-run group observes confidentiality rules that ask all members not to reveal what is said in the group to outsiders. If this is not the case, be sure to suggest it.

3)    As hard as it is to believe, there are usually more moments of mutual laughter than tears in a widowed group.

4)    Many people are either embarrassed if they cry or worry about how it will look if they don’t. Once you’ve had time to get comfortable in a group, you’ll be reassured by the understanding and compassion of other group members.

It’s important to hold off joining a support group until you’re able to share and listen to others without becoming too distressed or overwhelmed.

Finding the Best Group for You

If you’ve decided to take the next step, consider the following:

Many hospitals, hospices and places of worship offer free or low-fee non-denominational support groups. Contact the Social Services Department at your local hospital and/or look for listings in your community newspaper.

If possible, select a group(s) specifically for the widowed. “Bereavement” groups tend to deal with all types of loss, such as parental, child, etc. 

Finding the right support group is like finding anything else that’s a “good fit”.  Ideally, you should “shop” around a bit until you find the most comfortable group for you. Most groups will let you sit in for a session before you make a commitment to join.

When you sit in with a group you’re considering, watch for how respectful the members are of each other and how well the leader manages time issues. The most important thing is to gage your own comfort level. Expect to be nervous at first, but after a few times, that should lessen.

When is the right time to leave a group?

When you no longer feel the need for this type of support. Discuss your decision to leave with the facilitator, who can ease this process for you and the others in the group.

This is a time when forming bonds with others who are also widowed can result in supportive, lasting friendships.

YOUR QUESTIONS

“I visit my husband’s grave every Sunday. He passed 7 years ago. Although I find visiting the cemetery very comforting, some of my friends have become critical of my doing this. What do you think?” Doris G.

This is a very personal decision. If you are “getting on with your life” in other ways, yet draw comfort from weekly visits, that’s what’s best for you. If, however, you’re remaining “stuck” and are not trying anything new or forming new friendships and continue to be depressed about your loss, consider seeking professional help to explore  what’s holding you back.

DISCOVER MORE

Be sure to check out our blog. You can now get more of our tips and suggestions several times a week, as well as comment on what we have to say and share your own tips with others. Just go to www.lostmypartnerblog.com.

If you’re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted “comments” at the bottom of each post (article). We’d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.  

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner – What’ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

(Copyright 2010 by Laurie J. Spector, M.S.W. and Ruth Spector Webster, M.S.W. All rights and all media reserved.)