Lost My Partner Newsletter

5 Simple Resolutions for a New Year Without Your Spouse

2012-01-05T21:27:15Z

JANUARY 2012______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. IX, Issue 1�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com�� ����

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

5 SIMPLE RESOLUTIONS FOR A NEW YEAR WITHOUT YOUR SPOUSE

Give yourself a big pat on the back � you�ve just survived the holidays, one of the toughest times for anyone grieving a loss. Now you�re probably looking ahead and wondering how you�ll ever make it through the next twelve months.

Here are 5 suggestions to help gently ease you along the bumpy road of bereavement:

1. Remember to keep any resolutions realistic. You�re not your usual self while you�re grieving, so be gentle with yourself.

2. Set at least one small, bite-size goal every day, such as making 2 phone calls. Be sure to reward yourself after each effort.

3. Think back to the person you were before you married. Can you remember any hobbies or interests that you might have set aside due to family responsibilities? Consider participating in those former activities once again. Local adult schools or community groups offer many opportunities to freshen up your skills.

4. Reach out to others more. Make a new friend. While widowed groups offer the chance to meet others who can relate to what you�re going through, there are opportunities in your neighborhood such as clubs and organizations that can be great sources of meeting people who may share other interests with you.

5. Consider all the self-imposed barriers you�ve put up over the years about what you can and can�t do.� Now is the time to confront those old beliefs about yourself.� Slowly begin to tackle a few of the things your spouse used to handle, such as minor household repairs or cooking.

If you can put even one of the above resolutions into action, you�ll be giving yourself the gift of greater self-confidence with which to face the new year.

Quotes on Facing the Challenges of a New Year

1) Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are.

- Bernice Johnson Reagon

2) You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

- Eleanor Roosevelt

3) Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

4) Mountains cannot be surmounted except by winding paths.

- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

5) It�s not whether you get knocked down. It�s whether you get up again.

- Vince Lombardi

DISCOVER MORE

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

HELP YOURSELF THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS BY HELPING OTHERS

2011-11-10T19:53:50Z

NOVEMBER/DECEMBER �2011___________________________________�� Mc Cormick Press��

VOL. VIII, Issue 9�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com�� ����

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

Help Yourself Through the Holidays By Helping Others

Is the prospect of any holiday celebrating just too much to consider this year?

If you recently lost your partner, you may be feeling very �bah, humbug!� about all the customary activities and rituals of the season.

While you may chose to modify some of your usual tasks (see our post re holidays), you might be thinking about ignoring the day completely.

Keep in mind that at some point, either on the holiday or before, the pain of your loss with catch up with you (read our post on preventing �sneak attacks�).

So in addition to grieving, what can you do if you want to pass on the usual holiday activities?

This time of year, there are numerous opportunities for volunteering in your community.

Consider participating with a friend and/or your children or grandchildren.

As well as helping you stay busy during this difficult period, you�ll gain the warm feelings that come with brightening the days for those you help.

Here are some good ideas we found on factoidz.com:

Nursing Home Centers

Nursing homes need all kinds of volunteers. You could help decorate for their Christmas and Thanksgiving parties. They usually have a need for gift wrappers as well, and for volunteers to help the elderly make arts and crafts Christmas gifts. Volunteering for the elderly can be a year round project.

Women�s Shelters

These shelters would love to have help decorating trees, babysitting, and maybe even transporting women to do their holiday shopping. Also consider doing things like answering phones and data entry.

Homeless Shelters

There is always a need for help in these shelters, and these days our shelters are overflowing with people who need your services. Go there to help with fundraising, food preparation, clothing drives; the list is endless.

Food Kitchens

Thanksgiving is a great time to help prepare and serve a hot meal to the needy. Shelters are listed in the phone book and on the Internet.

Children�s Shelters

Help the kids get the toys they want for Christmas. Call your local childrens� shelter and find out what toys they need and drop them off. Remember Toys for Tots, it�s sponsored by the United States Marine Corps, and all you have to do is buy a toy and drop it off at one of many selected drop off points.

Your Place of Worship

Ask your religious advisor what you can do to help those in your community, maybe even those at your place of worship need help. Religious volunteering is one of the easiest ways to help our neighbors.

Online Volunteering

Contribute your skills to organizations all around the world, and help them grow. You can make a difference through your translation skills, research, writing and editing�.the possibilities are almost endless.

Any other suggestions for holiday volunteering?

Please let us know.

DISCOVER MORE

Be sure to check out our blog. You can now get more of our tips and suggestions several times a week, as well as comment on what we have to say and share your own tips with others. Just go to www.lostmypartnerblog.com.

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you. Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Beware the Ghouls & Goblins That Prey on the Widowed!

2011-10-10T20:14:44Z

OCTOBER 2011______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VIII, Issue 8�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com�� ����

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

Beware the Ghouls and Goblins That Prey on the Widowed!

In the days and weeks following your spouse�s death, shock and exhaustion can leave you vulnerable to certain people who are difficult to avoid. Usually disguised as well-meaning family and friends, these creatures often unknowingly say or do upsetting things.�

Here are some tips for identifying them and protecting yourself:

1. Platitude Ghouls

Spot them: Though well-intentioned, these creatures don�t think before spewing out insensitive remarks such as, �It�s all for the best�, �Aren�t you over it yet?�, �Don�t worry � you�ll find someone else� or � I went through exactly the same thing during my divorce.�

Ward them off by: Changing the subject.

2. Gruesome Grabbers

Spot them: Usually adult children/step-children, cousins, or other relatives, these creatures swoop in while you�re still off-balance and start nosing around for �remembrances� of your late spouse. Can often be found burrowing through closets and drawers while you�re in another part of the house.

Ward them off by: Telling them, �I�m just not ready to deal with this yet. I�ll let you know when I�m up to it.� Then be sure to keep an eye on them.

3. Demolition Demons

Spot them: These creatures love to pressure you with sincere but unwelcome advice aimed at dismantling reminders of your former life. Under the guise of �it�s for your own good�, they urge you to give away your spouse�s belongings, sell your car, home, or other valuables, move to another city, or make other important changes�quickly.

Ward them off by: Keeping in mind that making hasty decisions while you�re grieving usually results in later regrets. Tell DD�s,� I need more time before I make any important decisions. I�ll consider taking these steps when I�m in a better frame of mind.� If this doesn�t stop them, a simple, �Not now!� may work.

4. Creepy Crawlers

Spot them: Often a family friend or neighbor, these predators exploit your trust at a time when you�re most vulnerable. When these creeps offer a sympathetic �shoulder to cry on�, that�s not the only part of their bodies they want to share with you.

Ward them off by: Letting them know how insulted you feel and what a betrayal of trust their offers have caused. Or you might say, �You�ve obviously misread me/the situation. I�m not interested!�

��

The grieving process can be scary enough without these creatures. With a little caution and some assertiveness, you can send them scurrying back into the darkness.

WISE WORDS ABOUT COPING WITH FEAR

Listen to what you know instead of what you fear.�

- Richard Bach

You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you.�

- Eric Hoffer

Of all the liars in the world, sometimes the worst are your own fears.�

- Rudyard Kipling

I believe that anyone can conquer fear by doing the things he fears to do...�

- Eleanor Roosevelt

Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood.�

- Marie Curie

DISCOVER MORE

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Marking Your Progress & When Should I Stop Wearing My Wedding Ring?

2011-09-08T21:24:06Z

SEPTEMBER 2011______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VIII, Issue 7�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com�� ����

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

This month we�ve included a bonus article, When Should I Stop Wearing My Wedding Ring?� Check it out.

MONTHLY FEATURE

Marking Your Progress

While you�re in the midst of grieving for your spouse/partner, it�s easy to feel overwhelmed and at times defeated by the burdens of new tasks and responsibilities.

Caught up in the day to day struggles of surviving your loss, it may feel discouraging to think about how much still lies ahead of you.

It�s important however, to pause and notice how far you�ve already come since the death. Try to remember how you were functioning a week, a month, or months ago.

Picture yourself as you were back then.

- Now consider all the little steps you�ve achieved since those earlier times.

- What challenges have you faced and managed to deal with?�

- What strengths have you discovered within yourself that you never realized before?

Now give yourself a well-deserved pat on the back.

You might also consider recording your progress in a journal. It�s a good way to keep track of how far you�ve come.

BONUS ARTICLE

When Should I Stop Wearing My Wedding Ring?

After your spouse/partner dies, you may have mixed feelings about when to remove your wedding ring.

Because there are no firm rules about if and when to take this emotionally loaded step, it�s really up to you to decide when to stop wearing your ring.

You might practice removing it for short periods and see how you feel. Or try a more gradual change by shifting the ring to another finger, different hand, or a chain you wear around your neck.

However you proceed, take the time you need to the make the decision that�s right for you.

DISCOVER MORE

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Lost My Partner Newsletter is Taking the Summer Off

2011-07-06T17:11:07Z

Your next edition of the Lost My Partner Newsletter will arrive in September.

In the meantime, check out over 200 posts on www.lostmypartnerblog.com , as well as past newsletters on our website, www.lostmypartner.com.

Take care.

Best Wishes,

Laurie & Ruth

��

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Being Around Others Who Still Have Partners

2011-06-09T20:48:29Z

JUNE 2011______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VIII, Issue 6�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com�� ����

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

Being Around Others Who Still Have Partners

Having lost your own spouse/partner, you may find yourself noticing couples everywhere: holding hands, arguing, or just being able to share life�s experiences together.

As you grapple with adjusting to a sense of yourself without a partner, you may discover difficult feelings surfacing when you�re around couples.

�� Why is my spouse gone, and they still have theirs?�

You might feel somewhat guilty about the envy you experience in these situations. Such a reaction is normal and very understandable.

�� Look at that couple argue! Don�t they realize how short life is? They ��should appreciate every second they have together. If only��

Many become angry and resentful when the pain of their loss is stirred up by seeing other couples� fighting or bickering over what appears to be petty problems.

It�s natural to feel some envy, anger and resentment when witnessing these situations. Your reactions represent the difficult emotional shift you�re making from having been part of a couple to now being single.

You may imagine that if you had a second chance at having your late partner with you again, you would do things differently.

In reality, even if you could do it all over again, there would always be some tensions and conflicts. That�s just a normal part of being together with anyone.

Give yourself permission to yearn for what others still have but remind yourself of some of the realities that you once struggled with during your relationship with your late partner.

MONTHLY QUOTES

1) Bereavement is a darkness impenetrable to the imagination of the un-bereaved.
-Iris Murdoch

2) Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death.

-Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

3) If the future seems overwhelming, remember that it comes one moment at a time.

- Beth Mende Conny

4) The timing of death, like the ending of a story, gives a changed meaning to what preceded it.
- Mary Catherine Bateson

5) Nothing is so strong as gentleness
and nothing is so gentle as real strength.

-Ralph W. Sockman

DISCOVER MORE

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Getting the Family Through Mother's and Father's Days

2011-05-05T15:50:48Z

May 2011______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VIII, Issue 5�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com�� ����

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

Back by popular demand!

Getting the Family Through Mother�s Day and Father�s Day

Holidays can be difficult, especially during the first year after your loss. Like other holidays, Mother�s Day and Father�s Days are advertised everywhere and filled with reminders of happier family times.

These holidays may stir up the pain of loss for you, your children and grandchildren. Such occasions may also remind you of your own deceased parent(s).While others around them celebrate these occasions, children in particular can feel left out and troubled.

Try these tips with your family:

a) Acknowledge your own feelings of loss by talking about how you miss your spouse. When children see you sad or tearful it lets them know their own feelings are normal.

b) Have younger children create �remembering� cards, with photos or drawings of special memories about their parent or grandparent.

c) You may find it comforting to visit the cemetery or other places of remembrance on the holiday.

d) If there is a family gathering, make some time to share fond or funny memories of your loved one.

The feelings these holidays stir up won�t just go away. It�s best to acknowledge the occasions, even briefly, especially with children. Denying or avoiding a holiday tends to result in �delayed reactions�, where the emotions come up in unexpected ways.�

WIDOW WISDOM

Five Things You Don�t Have to Worry About While Grieving

With all the changes and stress you have to cope with because your spouse/partner has died, we thought it might help relieve some pressure to know what does not require your immediate attention.

1) Responding to sympathy cards and/or other forms of condolence.

2) Staying on a diet (unless your health is at great risk), or any other non-critical lifestyle change.

3) Taking care of other�s feelings about the loss (unless it�s immediate family).

4) Postponing any social obligations.

5) Making major decisions about your home, finances, etc.

Remember that you�re going through a major loss and others don�t expect you to function the way you normally do.

So be realistic about your expectations for yourself and trust that others will understand.

Be kind to yourself.

DISCOVER MORE

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Too Much Too Soon

2011-04-06T17:41:35Z

April 2011______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VIII, Issue 4�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com�� ����

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

Too Much Too Soon

In the initial weeks following your spouse/partner�s death, you may find yourself swamped by well-meaning family, friends and others anxious to show their caring and support. Phone calls, e-mails and visits can provide a welcome cushion from the shock and pain of your loss.

There may be times however, when all the attention becomes overwhelming.

Keep in mind that others tend to feel helpless when a death occurs.

The calls, visits and invitations help them feel less so. You might suggest they help with small chores such as marketing or helping sort paperwork.

Your comfort level, however, is what�s most important, however, so help others to really �be there� for you by gently setting some limits.

Whenever all the attention from well-meaning friends and family starts to feel overwhelming, try to remember the following:

Pace yourself. People will understand that under the circumstances, you need to gage your capabilities on a day-to-day basis.

If you feel the need for quiet or solitude, it�s okay to say so. Let others know you appreciate their company but recent events have left you depleted and you need to take time to retreat.

If others invite you out for a meal or other social occasion, you may be reluctant to decline due to fear of losing more connections in your life. People will understand if you explain that you aren�t sure from one day to the next how you�ll be feeling and will have to let them know closer to the event.

Keep in mind that during this difficult period, your needs and comfort are important! For now, it�s okay to make them your top priority.

Also remember it�s important to have others in your life and not to isolate yourself.

YOUR COMMENTS

Things are going well in my life but I still have periods of sadness and "space out" that don't seem to make any sense. So [last month�s feature,�Surviving Space-Outs�] was helpful.

I just went through a period of memories of being with my partner and it was hard getting back into the present. I was looking at old photographs and that brought up a lot of feelings. I could see, however, that it is now in the past. I have moved forward in my life beyond much of the grief. But sometimes it comes back like a wave but it no longer knocks me down.

I still need to be gentle with myself.

Thanks for your support!

Beth

DISCOVER MORE

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Surviving Space-Outs

2011-03-08T20:45:46Z

March 2011______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VIII, Issue 3�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com�� ����

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

Surviving Space-Outs

This article is about�uh�wait a minute, it�ll come to me�I had it right on the tip of my�oh, yeah - how to survive those times when you can�t remember where you left something or where you intended to go or when you last ate something.

No, this article isn�t about the symptoms of Alzheimer�s Disease.

It�s about some of the normal symptoms that occur if your spouse/partner has recently died.

Whether it�s misplacing your keys, or suddenly realizing you�ve driven to some place you never intended to go, being forgetful, absentminded and disoriented are common reactions to the intensity of experiencing a major loss. Even with an expected loss, there�s always some shock to your system, because nobody can really predict how they�ll be affected by a death.

With most deaths, especially unexpected ones, your whole world is often thrown into chaos. In addition to the assault on your thoughts and emotions, there�s also the disruption in your usual sleeping and habits affecting your ability to function.

Try not to panic. Assure yourself and others that memory and concentration problems are� temporary symptoms of having lost your partner.

Now that we�ve looked at the frustrating, but normal symptoms of forgetfulness and disorientation that follow experiencing the death of a spouse/partner, here are useful tips for dealing with these symptoms:

1) Give yourself permission to not be your usual self for the time being.

2) If you find you�ve lost track of something, stop, take three deep breaths and mentally (or physically) retrace your steps.

3) Write down anything you need to remember, especially appointments, as soon as possible.

4) Set up various �information centers� in highly visible places, such as your computer or the refrigerator door, where you can place reminders to yourself.

5) Put reminders or important information on color-coded sticky notes that you leave on your information centers. Remove them when each task is completed.

6) Keep extra sets of keys at your information centers.

7) When first scheduling an appointment, request a telephone or email reminder.

Keep in mind that these symptoms are temporary and even the most conscientious people� become forgetful and disoriented after suffering a major loss.

So be patient with yourself.

And give it time.

WORDS OF WISDOM

In honor of this month�s St.Patrick�s Day, here are some of our favorite Irish words of wisdom:

* May you have the hindsight to know where you've been
�� the foresight to know where you're going
�� and the insight to know when you're going too far.

* May you have warm words on a cold evening,
�� a full moon on a dark night,
�� and the road downhill all the way to your door.

* A friend's eye is a good mirror.

* Even a small thorn causes festering.

* When a twig grows hard it is difficult to twist it. Every beginning is ��weak.

* As you slide down the banisters of life may the splinters never point the wrong way.

* May your troubles be as few and as far apart as my grandmother�s teeth.

DISCOVER MORE

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

How to Beat the Valentine's Blues If You're Widowed

2011-02-09T20:42:44Z

February 2011______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VIII, Issue 2�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com�� ����

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

HOW TO BEAT THE VALENTINE�S BLUES IF YOU�RE WIDOWED

It�s all around you: painful reminders that you don�t have that �someone special� with whom to celebrate Valentine�s Day. Although your spouse/partner isn�t here to share the day, consider expanding your definition of what the word �love� really means.

This year, remind yourself that �love� isn�t just limited by the type of relationship you shared with your spouse/partner. By widening your scope a bit, you can embrace all the other relationships in your life where you give and receive affection. This can mean including relationships such as family members and good friends.

Use the Valentine�s holiday to show your appreciation of these other important personal relationships in some of the following ways:

Schedule an outing or meal such as lunch or dinner to get together with a good friend or family member.
Remember when you were a kid and gave valentines to friends and classmates? Revive this childhood custom with relatives and friends.
Show yourself some appreciation. Think back and list on a valentine card at least two things you�ve achieved since your spouse�s death that you used to think weren�t possible. It�s important to give yourself credit for the progress you�ve made.
Treat yourself to some pampering (a manicure or massage), or buy yourself a gift (hobby items or clothes or yes, a box of chocolates).

Remember that your marriage was just one of several caring relationships in your life. This year, begin a new tradition by celebrating all of them.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My adult son was always very close to his mother, who passed away 2 years ago. Six months ago, I married a wonderful widowed lady and we�re very happy. The problem is that my son is having a hard time accepting my new wife. Despite her efforts to be sensitive to my son�s feelings, my son refuses to join any family gatherings that include her. I�ve tried to talk to my son about this situation, but he just clams up and denies there is any problem. This is a very hurtful situation for both myself and my wife. What should we do?�� Fred P.

Your situation is not uncommon. One possibility is that your son may have difficulty accepting your new wife because he�s still grieving the loss of his mother and not ready to accept that you are ready to move on with your life. Another possibility is that your son fears that by accepting your wife, he�s being disloyal to the memory of his mother. Give the situation some time and patience.

DISCOVER MORE

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

A New Year; What's Ahead for You?

2011-01-05T17:23:39Z

January 2011______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VIII, Issue 1�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com�� ����

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

A New Year; What�s Ahead for You?

The holidays are finally over. Congratulate yourself on having survived. As you look ahead to the coming year, what do you feel?� Dread, anticipation or a combination of both?

Depending upon how recently your loss occurred, you may experience dread if:

This will be a year of firsts, i.e., first birthday, wedding anniversary, and/or other special occasions since the loss.
You are wondering where to turn for support.
You ask yourself, �How can I put my life back together now that my spouse is gone?�

If some time has passed since the loss, you may be facing the future with anticipation as you:

� Think about ways to enlarge your circle of friends, (you may have lost some, especially couple friends, now that you are widowed).

� Re-define how you see yourself. What strengths have you gained and in what ways are you more confident?

� Consider trying new activities, which are good ways to gain both of the above.

Recognize that while so much in your life has changed due to your loss, you can trust yourself to learn how to weather the changes and challenges in the year ahead.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My husband and I belonged to a supper club that gets together monthly and on special occasions.� Since my husband passed away last July, I�ve been invited to the monthly suppers, but recently found out that I wasn�t included in some of the other events. I�m terribly hurt by this. Should I say something or just drop out altogether?�

Eva R.

Through no fault of your own, you�ve been experiencing a common but painful situation that many widowed people face. While some couples are comfortable retaining �single� friends, others can feel threatened. This is often due to their own fears and insecurities (such as �If death can happen to her, it can happen to us.�) While you might want to discuss your feelings with a trusted member of this group, you should also consider moving on to a social gathering or support group that includes others who are widowed or single and could be more supportive. Even if you do chose to leave your old group, you can still maintain friendships with individual members.

DISCOVER MORE

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

FREE Shipping on Lost My Partner (with corrected link)

2010-11-17T21:08:01Z

Our holiday gift to you is FREE standard shipping on all copies of Lost My Partner when you order by December 31! So give yourself or someone you know a gift that provides comfort and support all year. Learn more by going to: http://www.lostmypartner.com/holidayspecial.html. Happy Holidays from Ruth & Laurie!

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Haunting Symptoms

2010-10-08T16:54:08Z

October, 2010______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VII, Issue 9�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

Haunting Symptoms

We�re not talking about the paranormal here.�

We�re talking about the normal symptoms of hallucinations and/or a sense of your late partner�s presence that are a common reaction to losing a loved one.

Excerpted from our book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? Revised and Expanded Edition, the following will explain more about these sometimes comforting, sometimes worrying symptoms of the mourning process.

Hallucinations

�I was in the kitchen one day shortly after my wife died, when suddenly, I thought I smelled her perfume. There wasn�t a perfume bottle anywhere nearby, but the fragrance came to me very distinctly.�

Because bereavement is such an intense emotional experience, it�s normal for your senses to occasionally play tricks on you.

Many people report hearing, smelling, or even seeing their deceased spouse/partner. For most of you, this experience can be very comforting.

Sometimes, however, hallucinations continue to occur long after a loss or reflect images not related to your partner. Overmedication or drug interaction could be a possible cause. It�s important to check with your physician or mental health professional if hallucinations continue.

Feeling Your Deceased Partner�s Presence

��Last night I suddenly woke up and was sure I could feel my husband lying there next to me, just like always. It was so reassuring that I was afraid to turn and look, in case it was all in my imagination.�

Many people report finding solace in having �conversations� with their deceased spouse/partner.

When you�ve lived with another person for a long time, their presence becomes a part of your physical landscape. Each room holds associations and memories of that person.

It�s not uncommon then, to experience a sense of your spouse/partner�s presence from time to time.

It can give you a comforting sense of connection to your partner in the early period after his or her death. It usually goes away with time.

YOUR QUESTIONS

My precious husband recently passed after a brief illness. During our 60 year marriage, we worked together every day in a family business. Because my husband died at home, I haven�t been able to stay in our house and since the funeral I�ve been staying with my son and daughter in their homes. Do you think I should just sell my house or should I try to move back home?

Celia R.

It�s understandable that you find it difficult to stay in your home. If living with your children is most comforting right now, that�s okay. For now. However, don�t prolong the visits. It�s important to eventually adjust to being in your own home. Try first removing reminders of your husband�s illness. It may also help to have someone stay with you in the house for awhile until you become more comfortable. And we always advise against making major decisions such as selling a house for at least a year following the death.

DISCOVER MORE

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Helping Your Child/Teen Return to School After the Loss

2010-09-02T16:04:51Z

September, 2010______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VII, Issue 8�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

Helping Your Child/Teen Return to School After the Loss

(Excerpted from our book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? Revised and Expanded Edition)

Children

Following the death of your partner, your child is probably anxious to return to their daily world, which provides a much needed source of support for them during this time. In addition to the stability it provides, school is where friends and teachers can offer an ear for feelings your child may hesitate to share with you.

1) Before your child returns to school, contact his/her teacher and the school counselor. Discuss how they can tell your child�s classmates about the death prior to your child�s return. It�s important the teacher be aware that your child�s loss may stir up fears in other children about losing a parent. The teacher might also explore with your child and his/her classmates how to respond supportively when your child becomes sad or tearful.

2) Prepare your child for how to react to people at school. Rehearse simple ways for him/her to respond to other children�s questions, behavior, etc.

3) If being at school becomes too overwhelming for your child, arrange ahead of time for you or another adult to come pick him/her up during the day.

Teenagers

There are some important differences to be aware of with teens.

Because it�s not uncommon for teenagers to react to the death of a parent with behavioral problems at school such as poor performance or truancy, it�s important to:

1) Talk to your teen about what�s happened and how it�s affected them.

2) Listen to his/her fears and concerns and be reassuring but truthful in your response.

3) Ask your teenager if he/she would like you to inform the school or any teacher about the death. This is to ensure that the teacher will be understanding of the change in behavior and school work.

4) Let your teen tell classmates and friends in his/her own way, if they prefer to do so.�

Remember that no matter how much they pull away from you because they�re adolescents, there are still times they need to depend on you.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My husband passed away last year.� I recently became ill. My husband and I were never blessed with children and my only family lives out of state. Although I have wonderful friends who have been very supportive of me, I felt guilty about imposing on them during my illness. Given my age however, I know there will be future medical situations when I�ll need some help. What should I do?�

Mabel B.

We can understand your concerns about depending on friends. Are some of them also widowed or alone? You might discuss arranging to share some potential caretaking tasks, such as driving to medical appointments, food shopping, etc. that each of you may need and can assist the others with. Keep in mind that friendships go two ways.

DISCOVER MORE

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Going Back to Work; Part 2: Your Reactions

2010-07-07T16:47:24Z

July, 2010______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VII, Issue 7�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

Going Back to Work

Part 2: Your Reactions

In Part 1 of this excerpt from Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do?, we discussed the various ways your coworkers may react to you once you return to work.

We now focus on your own reactions to being on the job following your loss.

- Be prepared for unexpected tears. During the first week at work, there may be moments when you find yourself tearful. This lessens with time, but for now, give yourself permission to retreat to the restroom or other secluded area for a good cry or to compose yourself. Many find giving themselves this release helps relieve the pressure of having to control feelings of grief while at work.

- Be prepared to experience some difficulty with memory and concentration. These are common but temporary grief reactions. While you may feel frustrated and anxious about this change, try to be patient with yourself. It helps to reread and/or go over information or tasks more than once.

- Your boss or coworkers may have unrealistic expectations. Assure them you�re doing your best, and that any slowdown on your part is temporary.

Despite how others may react, it�s important for you to recognize that what is going on is normal and temporary. With time and patience (especially your own), you will regain the capacity you used to have to do your job.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My beloved husband passed a year and a half ago. The 4^th of July was always special for us because that�s when we had our first date. We celebrated each year with a picnic at the local park, where we watched fireworks. Last year, I stayed home and even though I usually love fireworks, I couldn�t even watch them on TV. This year, my family wants me to join them for a celebration at the park, but I�m not sure I�m up to it. What should I do?�

Cynthia J.

After a loss, it�s difficult returning to places that hold cherished memories. Try joining your family this year. While you�ll probably feel some sadness, there may also be some moments of pleasure. Keep in mind that it does get easier with time.

DISCOVER MORE

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Going Back to Work; Part 1: Your Coworkers Reactions

2010-06-08T16:42:05Z

June, 2010______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VII, Issue 6�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

Going Back to Work

Part 1: Dealing With Coworkers� Reactions

(Excerpted from our book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? Revised and Expanded Edition)

Returning to a job after a spouse�s death is a step that tends to be anticipated with eagerness, dread, or both, at different times. The workplace can seem like a familiar well-ordered refuge where you find many hours of distraction away from your pain. On the other hand, it can represent the ordeal of work pressures, coworkers� reactions, and a boss�s unrealistic expectations.

Here are some ways to make it through a work day while you�re grieving:

a) While your private world has been drastically changed, your workplace has gone along in its usual way. You may, therefore, initially feel out of sync with the rest of your coworkers.

b) Coworkers will look to you for their cues. Others usually feel awkward about expressing feelings or knowing the �right thing� to say. How you respond to the first expressions of sympathy will convey a message to other coworkers about how and if you want to discuss the loss. Some possible responses include: �Thank you. It�s difficult to talk right now � maybe later.� Or �I appreciate your concern.� Remember, the choice is yours.

c) Some coworkers may not mention the loss. This can feel hurtful and even insulting. Try to keep in mind that people are often afraid of �reminding� or upsetting a grieving person. Expressing sadness can seem especially threatening in a work setting, where personal distress is supposed to take a back seat to the demands of business.

In Part 2, learn tips for dealing with reactions of your own that may crop up at work.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My husband of 45 years recently passed. Several widowed ladies in my apartment building have asked me to join them for a movie but I just don�t feel comfortable socializing yet without Jerry. He�s been a part of my life for so long. I know I can�t keep avoiding these invitations from my neighbors but I don�t know what to do.�

Veronica B.

We certainly understand how difficult it is to shift from being part of a couple to being �single�. Having been widowed themselves, these ladies will probably be understanding of your discomfort. It does take time to adjust but try to take small steps. It will get easier.

DISCOVER MORE

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Getting the Family Through Mother's Day and Father's Day

2010-05-04T14:38:25Z

May, 2010______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VII, Issue 5�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

Back by popular demand!

Getting the Family Through Mother�s Day and Father�s Day

Try these tips with your family:

a) Acknowledge your own feelings of loss by talking about how you miss your spouse. When children see you sad or tearful it lets them know their own feelings are normal.

b) Have younger children create �remembering� cards, with photos or drawings of special memories about their parent or grandparent.

c) You may find it comforting to visit the cemetery or other places of remembrance on the holiday.

d) If there is a family gathering, make some time to share fond or funny memories of your loved one.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�I�m nearing 90. My beloved wife passed about 6 months ago after a long illness. I�m interested in seeking the companionship of a lady who has also been widowed. Do you think it�s too soon for me to start dating?�

Herbert H.

This is a very personal decision. If your wife had a lengthy illness, chances are you�ve gone through a period of �anticipatory� grief. Considering your age, dating this soon after your loss would not necessarily be inappropriate. Our best advice however, is always do what feels right for you.

DISCOVER MORE

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Best Choice of Online Support If You're Widowed

2010-04-09T11:13:47Z

April, 2010�� McCormick Press ��Vol.Vll, Issue 4�� lostmypartnerblog.com ��.�� lostmypartner.com��

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse DiesApril,

MONTHLY FEATURE

Best Choice of Online Support If You�re Widowed

Although there are several forms of online support for those who have been widowed (chat rooms, bulletin boards, etc.), our favorite is GriefNet.org. This non-profit site offers almost 50 specialized email support groups as well as two web sites.

According to GriefNet: �Our groups operate 24-hours/day, 365 days/year. Members participate when they wish and are able to, not at a set time. When one member of a group sends an email message to the group, everyone in the group receives a copy. This allows many people to respond with love and caring to the thoughts and feelings of an individual, day and night, year-round. Since 1994 these groups have helped thousands of people around the world deal safely with their grief.�

We also like the fact that there is a mental health professional in charge.All groups are monitored by trained volunteers who make sure that the groups are running smoothly. Overall supervision is provided by Cendra Lynn, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and traumatologist.

A sampling of GriefNet�s email groups includes:

Grief-Widowed: a support group for anyone who has lost a partner or a spouse at any age, at any time, of any sexual orientation.

Widowed-with-Kids: a group for those who have lost a partner or spouse who still have children living at home. This is a place where the unique problems of parenting when widowed can be discussed.

Grief-Widowed Moving On: a support group for anyone who has lost a partner or a spouse at any age, at any time, of any sexual orientation, and who has moved on beyond the first raw stages of dealing with that loss.

Young Widowed: a support group for those aged 40 or under who have lost a spouse or partner. Please note: the age cut-off is only suggested; those who feel themselves to fit into this category are welcome.

Widowed Gay: a support group for gays who have lost a partner to death or whose partner is currently dying. Gays are also welcome in our other widowed groups and while we have never had a homophobic incident, this group was created in response to a special request from some gay widowed members.

Be sure to also check out GriefNet�s support groups for children and teens.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My elderly husband recently passed after a long illness. At his funeral service, several people made insensitive remarks like �He�s lived a good long life� and �He�s better off now� or �It�s for the best�. Although I know these people were trying to comfort me, these comments were hurtful. Although Jack was older than me, I treasured every moment we had together. How should I reply?�

Karen M.

People are usually well-meaning but don�t know quite what to say under the circumstances. The best response you can make is to say nothing and put the other person�s comments down to good intentions poorly expressed.

DISCOVER MORE

Be sure to check out our blog. You can now get more of our tips and suggestions several times a week, as well as comment on what we have to say and share your own tips with others. Just go to www.lostmypartnerblog.com.
If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

TO JOIN OR NOT TO JOIN A SUPPORT GROUP

2010-03-09T20:35:24Z

March, 2010______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VII, Issue 3�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

MONTHLY FEATURE

To Join Or Not to Join a Support Group

A widowed support group can be a wonderful place to meet others who are in the same boat and experiencing feelings similar to yours. Through listening to others you can feel less alone. A support group is also a safe place to talk about those things that would feel like a burden if shared with family or friends.

You may, however, be hesitant to join a group.� Like many people, you may be wondering:

1) �How can I listen to other people�s problems when I have enough of my own?�

2) �I�m not sure I can talk about such personal feelings in front of strangers.�

3) �Won�t everyone be crying all the time?�

4) �What if I break down and start crying in front of everyone?�

Keep in mind the following:

1) After hearing others share their experiences, you�ll probably become more comfortable talking about your own.

2) Any well-run group observes confidentiality rules that ask all members not to reveal what is said in the group to outsiders. If this is not the case, be sure to suggest it.

3) As hard as it is to believe, there are usually more moments of mutual laughter than tears in a widowed group.

4) Many people are either embarrassed if they cry or worry about how it will look if they don�t. Once you�ve had time to get comfortable in a group, you�ll be reassured by the understanding and compassion of other group members.

It�s important to hold off joining a support group until you�re able to share and listen to others without becoming too distressed or overwhelmed.

Finding the Best Group for You

If you�ve decided to take the next step, consider the following:

Many hospitals, hospices and places of worship offer free or low-fee non-denominational support groups. Contact the Social Services Department at your local hospital and/or look for listings in your community newspaper.

If possible, select a group(s) specifically for the widowed. �Bereavement� groups tend to deal with all types of loss, such as parental, child, etc.�

Finding the right support group is like finding anything else that�s a �good fit�.� Ideally, you should �shop� around a bit until you find the most comfortable group for you. Most groups will let you sit in for a session before you make a commitment to join.

When you sit in with a group you�re considering, watch for how respectful the members are of each other and how well the leader manages time issues. The most important thing is to gage your own comfort level. Expect to be nervous at first, but after a few times, that should lessen.

When is the right time to leave a group?

When you no longer feel the need for this type of support. Discuss your decision to leave with the facilitator, who can ease this process for you and the others in the group.

This is a time when forming bonds with others who are also widowed can result in supportive, lasting friendships.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�I visit my husband�s grave every Sunday. He passed 7 years ago. Although I find visiting the cemetery very comforting, some of my friends have become critical of my doing this. What do you think?� Doris G.

This is a very personal decision. If you are �getting on with your life� in other ways, yet draw comfort from weekly visits, that�s what�s best for you. If, however, you�re remaining �stuck� and are not trying anything new or forming new friendships and continue to be depressed about your loss, consider seeking professional help to explore� what�s holding you back.

DISCOVER MORE

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

How to Beat the Valentine's Blues If You're Widowed

2010-02-08T17:18:54Z

February, 2010______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VII, Issue 2�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

This Month�s Feature: How to Beat the Valentine�s Blues If You�re Widowed

UPDATES FROM RUTH & LAURIE

If you�re facing Valentine�s Day with mixed emotions, this month�s feature article should help. Now enlarged, this popular article provides lots of useful ideas for getting through this holiday.

And be sure to check out our blog! You can now get more of our tips and suggestions several times a week, as well as comment on what we have to say and share your own tips with others. Just go to www.lostmypartnerblog.com.

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Our website also offers the opportunity to read a sample chapter from our recently released Lost My Partner-What�ll I Do? Revised and Expanded Edition. Find out more at: www.lostmypartner.com.

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.
Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

HOW TO BEAT THE VALENTINE�S BLUES IF YOU�RE WIDOWED

Use the Valentine�s holiday to show your appreciation of these other important personal relationships in some of the following ways:

Schedule an outing or meal such as lunch or dinner to get together with a good friend or family member.
Remember when you were a kid and gave valentines to friends and classmates? Revive this childhood custom with relatives and friends.
Show yourself some appreciation. Think back and list on a valentine card at least two things you�ve achieved since your spouse�s death that you used to think weren�t possible. It�s important to give yourself credit for the progress you�ve made.
Treat yourself to some pampering (a manicure or massage), or buy yourself a gift (hobby items or clothes or yes, a box of chocolates).

Remember that your marriage was just one of several caring relationships in your life. This year, begin a new tradition by celebrating all of them.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My husband passed 8 months ago. I have to have a minor medical procedure and I�m supposed to have someone stay with me overnight.� Now that my husband is gone, I�m really missing his wonderful comfort and support. Our son lives out of town but I don�t want to bother him. What should I do?�� Cynthia C.

These situations tend to stir up our feelings of loss. Is your son aware of your upcoming procedure? If he is unable to be with you (and don�t make assumptions about this), consider asking a close friend or neighbor to spend the night. Most friends are happy to help, especially in a temporary situation.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Five Simple Resolutions for a New Year Without Your Partner

2010-01-07T23:18:43Z

January, 2010______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VII, Issue 1�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

This Month�s Feature: Five Simple Resolutions for a New Year Without Your Partner

UPDATES FROM RUTH & LAURIE

It�s hard to believe it�s already a new decade!

If you�re facing the year ahead with mixed emotions, this month�s feature article should help. Although it�s one of our oldies, it�s still a goodie, with practical suggestions to help you take some small but important first steps.

And be sure to check out our blog! You can now get more of our tips and suggestions several times a week, as well as comment on what we have to say and share your own tips with others. Just go to www.lostmypartnerblog.com.

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.
Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

(Here�s the popular article from our January, 2005 issue)

FIVE SIMPLE RESOLUTIONS FOR A NEW YEAR WITHOUT YOUR PARTNER

Give yourself a big pat on the back! You�ve just survived the holidays, one of the toughest times for anyone grieving a loss. Now you�re probably looking ahead and wondering how you�ll ever make it through the next twelve months. Here are five suggestions to help gently ease you along the bumpy road of bereavement:

1. Remember to keep any resolutions realistic. You�re not your usual self while you�re grieving, so be gentle with yourself.

2. Set at least one small, �bite-size� goal every day, such as tackling a couple of tasks. Be sure to reward yourself after each effort.

4. Reach out to others more. Make a new friend. While widowed groups offer the chance to meet others who can relate to what you�re going through, there are opportunities in your neighborhood such as clubs and organizations that can be great sources of meeting people who may share other interests with you.

5. Consider all the self-imposed barriers you�ve put up over the years about what you can and can�t do. Now is the time to confront those old beliefs about yourself.� Slowly begin to tackle a few of the things your spouse used to handle, such as minor household repairs or cooking.

If you can put even one of the above resolutions into action, you�ll be giving yourself the gift of greater self-confidence with which to face the new year.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My husband died 2 years ago. Since then, I�ve learned how to use his computer. It�s very comforting to sit in his chair and remember how he used to spend time working at his computer.� But because the computer is an older one, I keep having technical problems with it. I�ve been calling my grown son to help me when problems come up, but he wants me to get a new computer. I�m really not ready to get rid of the old one, which has so many cherished memories of my beloved husband but my son is getting upset with me over this.�� Audrey K.

It�s a new year and a new decade. Although it�s a difficult step, consider buying a new computer but temporarily keeping the old one, until you feel ready to recycle or otherwise get rid of it.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

10 Best Ways to Get Through the Holidays

2009-11-13T17:04:01Z

Nov./Dec. 2009______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VI, Issue 9�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

This Month�s Feature: 10 BEST WAYS TO GET THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS

UPDATES FROM RUTH & LAURIE

Wish the upcoming holiday season would just go away this year? If you�ve recently lost your spouse/partner, this can be one of the most difficult times of the year. Back by popular demand, this month�s feature provides proven strategies to ease you through the season.

And be sure to check out our new blog! You can now get more of our tips and suggestions several times a week, as well as comment on what we have to say and share your own tips with others. Just go to www.lostmypartnerblog.com.

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.
Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

Ten Best Ways to Get Through the Holidays��

Dreading the upcoming holidays? If you�ve recently lost your spouse, the coming festivities can feel as unwelcome as Marley�s Ghost. Here are some tried and true strategies for facing the holiday season:

1) Think ahead and try to anticipate how you�ll feel on each holiday.

2) Even if you don�t join in the festivities, don�t remain alone all day. Spend some time with a friend.

3) Considering your loss, don�t expect yourself to be as upbeat as usual. Expect some sadness as you take part in the festivities.

4) To lessen the chance of emotional �sneak attacks�, make some time to grieve, either on the holiday or just before it.

5) If you do choose to join in holiday activities, make some changes as to how much you do or become involved in.

6) Contact the host or hostess before the get-together and let them know that you aren�t feeling like your usual self and may need to leave early.

7) Give yourself the first 30 minutes after you arrive to adjust to a gathering where your spouse is no longer with you.

8) Take your own car or alert a friend who is driving that you may want to leave early.

9) If you start to feel overwhelmed, you can retreat to the bathroom or take a short walk for some private time.

10)If you choose to avoid the usual gatherings, consider

volunteering to serve meals at shelters, visiting shut-ins, or

spending the day at a movie or health spa.

Remember: You will get through this time. We�ve found that the anticipation is usually much worse than the actual events. Be sure to plan ahead and do only what is most comfortable for you.

YOUR QUESTIONS

My husband died two years ago. He was never very interested in traveling, but I was and now that he�s gone, I�m ready to start seeing new places. The problem is, I don�t have any friends who are able to join me and I don�t feel ready to go on my own. Any suggestions?

Cynthia B.

Good news! The travel industry is beginning to cater to solo travelers, especially women. Check out sites such as Lipstick and Wanderlust (www.lipstickandwanderlust.com) and Women Travel Tips (www.womentraveltips.com). To combine learning with travel, look into Smithsonian Journeys (www.smithsonianjourneys.org) and Elderhostel (www.exploritas.org), which offers additional �women only� tours. Many travel services geared for singles will help match you to suitable roommates. Bon Voyage!

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Can't Stop Thinking About What Happened

2009-10-09T16:41:00Z

October, 2009______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VI, Issue 8�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

This Month�s Feature: CAN�T STOP THINKING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED

UPDATES FROM RUTH & LAURIE

If you find that you can�t stop thinking about what happened when your spouse/partner died, this month�s Feature article explores the issue of being preoccupied with details of a loss and offers ways to cope.�

Be sure to check out our new blog! You can now get more of our tips and suggestions several times a week, as well as comment on what we have to say and share your own tips with others. Just go to www.lostmypartnerblog.com.

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.
Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

Can�t Stop Thinking About What Happened

In the days following the death of your spouse/partner, you probably find yourself pre-occupied with what has happened.

Whether it�s the details of those final days, the death itself, or worries about arrangements/financial concerns, thoughts and images about your loss seem to occupy every waking moment.

In the aftermath of any shock (even when a death is anticipated), it�s normal to be preoccupied with these thoughts and images as your mind struggles to absorb the reality of the loss.

Added to this are the other adjustments and tasks you�re forced to deal with as a consequence of the loss itself.

Keep in mind that with time, you�ll be able to focus on other aspects of your life.

Many people feel guilty when this happens, fearful that pulling away emotionally means they no longer love or remember their partner.

What it actually means is that you�ve begun to find a new, different place inside you for your loved one. A place that is no less cherished for not demanding your constant attention.

If, however, after a year or so, you�re still preoccupied with the death, it may be due to conflicts or unfinished business that are complicating your ability to mourn. Consider getting counseling from a mental health professional or trusted clergyperson to help you sort through troublesome concerns.

YOUR QUESTIONS

Since my husband died, I�m having a hard time adjusting to cooking just for myself. I end up wasting a lot of food. I�m trying to break old habits, but it�s so difficult. Any suggestions?�� Vivian R.

Yes, cooking for one is a challenging adjustment and for some, can bring up the pain of loss. Try to recognize whether cooking has become a way of holding on to feeling part of a couple. If not, there are several options for dealing with extra food. Some people find it helps to freeze extra portions. Or, if you�re used to buying in bulk from warehouse stores, consider bringing a friend along to share supplies with. You might also donate extra food to local food banks. Also check out your local libraries, bookstores and/or online resources for cookbooks geared for singles.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

How to Cope with Anniversary Reactions

2009-09-08T20:22:06Z

September, 2009______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VI, Issue 7�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com

�� www.lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

This Month�s Feature: HOW TO COPE WITH ANNIVERSARY REACTIONS

UPDATES FROM RUTH & LAURIE

Welcome back! Now that September has arrived, we�re looking forward to bringing you new tips and support to get you through the rest of the year.

Whether you�ve recently lost your spouse/partner or it�s been awhile, we�ve all been caught unawares by �anniversary� reactions, those painful reminders of our loss. We hope this month�s feature article, How to Cope with Anniversary Reactions, will offer some insights into how to soften the impact of these situations.

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.
Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

How to Cope with Anniversary Reactions

We�ve all experienced them: things are going along okay when out of the blue you�re suddenly feeling sad or depressed.� You can�t understand what�s hit you. Everything seemed fine and these emotions just don�t make sense. Or do they?

Stop and take a minute to ask yourself the following:

1. Is it the anniversary of a month, day, or event that had significance for you and your spouse? While holidays are expected to be difficult, days that represent �the last time� or �our special experience� are just as emotionally loaded and often less obvious sources of pain.

2. Have you recently revisited places that were special for you and your spouse?� Even if it�s a different time of year, locations can also trigger feelings of loss.

3. Is the anniversary date/revisit about to come up or just past? One reason these reactions catch us off guard is because their timing is often unpredictable or unexpected.

Memories have a way of emerging and blindsiding us despite our best efforts to avoid them. Hidden triggers can touch off the most powerful and baffling reactions of loss.

The most effective way to disarm these �sneak attacks� is:�

A. Take the time to identify what�s causing them (see above).

B. Give yourself permission to feel the sadness associated with the event.

C. Assure yourself that now that you�re aware of a particular triggering event, you can anticipate it in the future and thus have greater control in dealing with the situation.

D. Allowing yourself to experience the feelings of loss means you�re taking another step forward in your bereavement process.

�

Remember that although there are always these emotional triggers out there, the pain you�ll feel will become less intense over time.

YOUR QUESTIONS

Since my wife passed last year, I�ve wanted to spend more time with my grown daughters. I realize they�re busy with their own lives and families and I don�t want to impose, but it gets pretty lonely without my precious wife. I have some good friends and enjoy several hobbies but how do I let my kids know I�d like to see more of them without sounding like a burden?�� Harry E.

Your family may in fact be wondering how to be supportive of you. You might suggest scheduling weekly phone conversations (at times and days convenient to everyone), or e-mails. You could also arrange meals, outings or events that include grandchildren and/or other family members. Focusing �together time� around specific activities provides structure and allows others to �be there� for you.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Vacationing Without Your Late Spouse/Partner

2009-06-09T20:47:00Z

June, 2009______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VI, Issue 6�� www.lostmypartner.com�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com

��

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

This Month�s Feature: Vacationing Without Your Late Spouse/Partner

UPDATES FROM RUTH & LAURIE

Now that summer has arrived (okay, it isn�t official until the 21^st), you may be thinking about getting away for a vacation. If the whole idea of finding someone to accompany you seems too daunting, and/or the notion of traveling on your own feels uncomfortable, read this month�s feature article for some exciting options.

Look for your next edition of the Lost My Partner Newsletter in September.

Be sure to check out our new blog! You can now get more of our tips and suggestions several times a week, as well as comment on what we have to say and share your own tips with others. Just go to www.lostmypartnerblog.com.

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.
Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

Vacationing Without Your Late Spouse/Partner

One of the most difficult steps after losing your spouse/partner is planning a vacation without him or her. You probably aren�t feeling like your usual self, so it can be hard to summon the happy anticipation that �getting away� used to bring. And visiting familiar places may bring back the pain of the pain.

Despite some discomforts, however, taking a vacation on your own can also be filled with pleasurable new discoveries and opportunities for gaining self-confidence. Before giving up on a trip this year, consider these options:�

WOMEN TRAVELERS

Many women either can�t find a travel companion or are uncomfortable
with the idea of traveling alone. In a recent report by Reuters, however, the CEO�s of the two leading international companies reported that six in 10 travelers today are women � up from five in 10 in 2007. In addition, 30% of female travelers today are booking their trips as solo travelers, traveling either alone or with women friends, despite their marital status.



Wanderlust and Lipstick (www.wanderlustandlipstick.com), is a wonderfully informative travel site packed with tips, information and tour options especially for women (some tours are open to men as well).





MEN TRAVELERS

While some men are comfortable traveling on their own, others may prefer not to. One option is to ask a friend or relative to share the experience.

A less conventional option, if you�re a man between 40 and 68 who enjoys dancing and socializing, is travel on a cruise ship as a �Gentleman Host�. With greater numbers of single women taking cruises, there�s a steady demand for eligible single men to provide dance partners. Aside from the opportunities to see the world at little cost, being a Gentleman Host offers numerous on-board benefits.

Visit the Gentleman Hosts Page on the Compass Speakers site (http://compassspeakers.com/gentleman_host.html) for more information.

GREAT EXPERIENCES FOR ANYONE GOING SOLO OR BRINGING THE KIDS/GRANDKIDS

Smithsonian Journeys (www.smithsonianjourneys.org ), is affiliated with the Smithsonian Institution and also offers a wide range of worldwide educational travel experiences. They have several tours for parents and kids.

Elderhostel (www.elderhostel.org ), is a non-profit program that combines learning with travel. Tours throughout the U.S. and the world are conducted by experts knowledgeable in the subjects you�re studying. Elderhostel offers Women Only tours as well as an Intergenerational Program, with educational adventures designed especially for grandparents (over age 55), and grandchildren.

FINDING AN ADULT TRAVEL COMPANION

The Travel Insider (www.thetravelinsider.info/info/links.html#singles), has an extensive Information Page that offers a wide variety of links to match sites, as well as to sites that provide information about different travel concerns.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My husband died just a year ago. I�m having a problem with our daughter, who lives out of state. She�s been pushing me to sell my house and move into a retirement community near her.� I�m still comfortable in my home and have some close, long-time friendships. I don�t have any family besides my daughter, however, and I worry that if I don�t go along with her plans, she�ll get upset and won�t be there for me down the line when I need her. I don�t know how I�ll manage, as I�ve come to depend on my daughter a great deal since my husband�s death.�� Jeanette L.

It�s easy to understand your anxiety about being potentially abandoned by your daughter. Make it clear to your daughter that you value your independence and, at this time, want to remain in the comfort and familiarity of your own home. It�s also important to cultivate the support of your friends. Get together with them and suggest ways to provide mutual care-giving in case one of you becomes ill or is otherwise in need of support. Keep in mind that although your daughter may be temporarily upset by your decision, right now, she�s still your child and will probably not abandon you when you need her in the future.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Getting the Family Through Mother's Day and Father's Day

2009-05-05T20:29:39Z

May, 2009______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VI, Issue 5�� www.lostmypartner.com�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com

��

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

This Month�s Feature: Getting the Family Through Mother�s Day and Father�s Day

UPDATES FROM RUTH & LAURIE

Whether you�ve lost your spouse/partner or are an adult child who has lost a parent, you may be wondering how you�ll cope with Mother�s Day and Father�s Day. For some useful tips, we�re reprinting the monthly feature article from our May, 2007 newsletter.

Be sure to check out our new blog! You can now get more of our tips and suggestions several times a week, as well as comment on what we have to say and share your own tips with others. Just go to www.lostmypartnerblog.com.

If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

Getting the Family Through Mother�s Day and Father�s Day

Try these tips with your family:

a) Acknowledge your own feelings of loss by talking about how you miss your spouse. When children see you sad or tearful it lets them know their own feelings are normal.

b) Have younger children create �remembering� cards, with photos or drawings of special memories about their parent or grandparent.

c) You may find it comforting to visit the cemetery or other places of remembrance on the holiday.

d) If there is a family gathering, make some time to share fond or funny memories of your loved one.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My husband and I used to be very active in several charitable organizations. We were involved in many fund-raising and social functions with some other couples and I considered them good friends. Since my husband�s death last year though, something seems to have changed. Although these couples still greet me warmly when we meet at functions, they no longer seem to include me as part of the group. I feel quite hurt by this but wonder if I�m being too sensitive.�� Margaret S.

It�s understandable that you feel hurt by behavior that may be adding to the sense of abandonment you�re� already experiencing. Becoming a �single� person can have an impact on how you�re perceived by others who are still part of a �couple�. While there are several reasons behind this, none of them are your fault. Many who encounter this discomfort with couple friends gradually pull away from these relationships and find support and companionship with others who are single.

(To learn more, see chapter Twenty-four, �Other People�s Reactions� in our book, Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? Revised and Expanded Edition; 2008.)

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

Some Survivor Benefits You May Not Know About

2009-04-06T20:42:33Z

April, 2009______________________________________________�� McCormick Press

VOL. VI, Issue 4�� www.lostmypartner.com�� www.lostmypartnerblog.com

��

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

This Month�s Feature: Some Survivor Benefits You May Not Know About

UPDATES FROM RUTH & LAURIE

Well, we�ve finally launched our blog! You can now get more of our tips and suggestions several times a week, as well as comment on what we have to say and share your own tips with others. Just go to www.lostmypartnerblog.com. If you�re new to blogs and want to leave your feedback, just click onto the highlighted �comments� at the bottom of each post (article). We�d love to hear from you!

This month�s feature article in fact, comes out of a blog topic we were� researching.��

Read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

Some Survivor Benefits You May Not Know About

If your spouse/partner has died, or if you�re a widowed mom or dad, you�re probably familiar with your basic Social Security benefits.

You may not be aware however, that if your divorced spouse has died, you can receive benefits as a widow/widower if the marriage last 10 years or longer and you are age 60 or older (or age 50 if you are disabled).

��

Under certain circumstances, the following survivors may also qualify for benefits:

Step-children, grandchildren, or adopted children.

Dependent parents age 62 or older.

Check out www.socialsecurity.gov for more information. The site tells you what paperwork you�ll need and how to apply.

If you were in a same-sex marriage or domestic partnership, your state may also offer survivor benefits. Go to www.findlaw.com to learn more about the laws in your particular state. This is generally a great site for answers about a wide variety of legal issues.

Never assume you have no rights or benefits. Always check it out!

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My late wife�s family has always included me in their holiday dinners. This year though, they haven�t asked me to join them for Easter dinner as usual. There�s been some friction with these relatives over the provisions of my wife�s will (which I had nothing to do with), and I suspect that plays a part in this situation. What should I do about this upsetting problem?�� Charles R.

It�s understandable that you�re feeling upset by this. Being pushed away by former in-laws can feel like yet another loss on top of what you�ve already experienced. Wait and see if there are any attempts by these relatives to reach out to you at a later time. In the meantime, arrange to share Easter dinner with your own family and/or friends.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

The 7 Best Private Places to Grieve

2009-03-07T16:22:48Z

March, 2009______________________________________________McCormick Press

VOL. VI, Issue 3�� www.lostmypartner.com

�� newsletter@lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

This Month�s Feature: The 7 Best Private Places to Grieve

UPDATES FROM RUTH & LAURIE

Anyone experiencing a loss knows how suddenly tears can be triggered. Whether you�re at home or at work, painful reminders of our loved one can strike without warning. This month�s feature article offers some options for finding the privacy you need to shed those tears without the worry of interruptions.��

You can read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

The 7 Best Private Places to Grieve

Whether you�re at work or at home, it can be difficult to find the privacy to �let go� and shed some tears. Crying is a necessary release of pain and tension. Sometimes though, the tears just blindside you. It helps to have some places in mind that you can easily retreat to.

Some of our favorite spots are:

In the workplace:

1. A restroom in the building.

2. A stairwell.

3. A secluded area nearby.

4. Your car.

At home:

��

5. The bathroom shower with the water running.

6. Any room where others aren�t likely to disturb you, such as the garage or the laundry room.

7. Any quiet nearby streets where you can take a walk.

8. Your car. ��

Although it�s sometimes inconvenient, remember that each tear helps move you through the process of mourning.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My dad died just a year ago. My mom, who�s 80, recently started dating a widower who�s about the same age. I�m really having a problem with the idea of her dating after having been married to my dad for over 50 years. My mom seems really excited and happy with this guy but I can�t help feeling that she�s being disloyal to my dad. Am I being selfish?� ��Alan C.

��

Your feelings are certainly understandable. It can be difficult adjusting to seeing your surviving parent in a romantic relationship with someone new. In addition to this situation appearing like disloyalty, it can also raise fears about another �loss�, i.e., losing your surviving parent�s affections toward you.� Although we usually urge those who have been widowed to take as long a time as possible to mourn their loss, your mother�s age is a factor here.� Keep in mind that she probably misses the companionship she had for 50 years with your father. Try to give her some space to explore new attachments. Gently discuss any concerns you may have and offer your support for this new phase of her life.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below:

How to Beat the Valentine's Blues

2009-02-06T14:07:09Z

February, 2009______________________________________________McCormick Press

VOL. VI, Issue 2�� www.lostmypartner.com

�� newsletter@lostmypartner.com

The Lost My Partner Newsletter��

Brought to you monthly by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner �What�ll I Do?� A Clear, Practical Guide For Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies

This Month�s Feature: How to Beat the Valentine�s Blues

UPDATES FROM RUTH & LAURIE

With its emphasis on love and romance, Valentine�s Day can be a painful reminder that you�re no longer part of a couple. This month�s feature article (reprinted from our February, 2005 newsletter), puts a different spin on the whole idea of celebrating this holiday. Let us know your thoughts on our approach by emailing us at contact74@lostmypartner.com. ��

Speaking of which, we�re in the process of creating a blog. This is new territory for both of us so right now we�re just giving you a �heads up�. We�ll keep you posted (in both the traditional and blog sense of the word), and look forward to having a quicker way to hear about and respond to your opinions and questions.

You can read more articles from our past newsletters anytime by going to www.lostmypartner.com.��

Please stay in touch and share any ideas or suggestions with us. We can be reached at: contact@lostmypartner.com

Thanks for joining us.

Warmest Wishes,

Ruth and Laurie

MONTHLY FEATURE

HOW TO BEAT THE VALENTINE�S BLUES

It�s all around you: painful reminders that you don�t have that �someone special� with whom to celebrate Valentine�s Day. Although your spouse isn�t here to share the day, try to expand your definition of �love�. Embrace all the other relationships in your life where you give and receive affection such as family members and good friends. Use the holiday to show your appreciation in some of following ways:

Schedule lunch or dinner with a good friend.
Remember when you were a kid and gave valentines to friends and classmates? Revive this custom with family and friends.
Show yourself some appreciation. On a valentine, list at least 2 things you�ve achieved since your spouse�s death that you used to think weren�t possible.
Treat yourself to some pampering (a manicure or massage), or buy yourself a �gift� (hobby items or clothes).

Remember that your marriage was just one of several caring relationships in your life. This year, begin a new tradition by celebrating all of them.

YOUR QUESTIONS

�My husband of 47 years died about a year ago. One of my friends fixed me up with a man who has also been widowed for a year. He�s asked me out to dinner. Although I�ve accepted, I�m very nervous about being on a date. Any suggestions?�

�� Judy R.

Of course you�re nervous! After all, it�s been a long time since you last dated. Although you may feel like a teenager, remember that you�re now an adult and have successfully coped with many different life experiences. Also, it can help break the ice for both of you if you�re just honest and share your own anxiety about the situation.

Discovered a coping strategy that works for you? Share it with others in future newsletters. Email us at: contact@lostmypartner.com

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell your friends and/or colleagues about it.

You can order either edition of Lost My Partner � What�ll I Do? from our website: www.lostmypartner.com.

Telephone toll free at 1-877-727-3814.

Subscribe to Lost My Partner Newsletter via email by entering your email address below: